Death in it's Grave

So, I haven't updated in a couple weeks, my apologies. It's been super busy ever since we got back from Seattle because we now leave for Thailand in just 16 days! Wow. That is insane.
A couple weeks ago we talked about Spiritual Warfare. Most of us were super worried that all it was going to be was about demons and things like that. To our surprise, it wasn't that at all. Basically, the speaker Tom told us that we give way too much credit to the enemy, and that we need to stop doing so. It was such a powerful week, and I feel like it opened a lot of our eyes to the power we actually have. We also talked a lot on forgiveness, and what it truly means to forgive. "Forgiveness is saying, this person does not owe me anything. The thing that they took from me, whether that be emotionally or a physical possession, they are no longer responsible to pay that back. To release them from that, and move on."

Last week, we had another week on evangelism, or what we thought was going to be evangelism, but ended up being a lot of people being set free from past things. It was super awesome. The speakers name was John Goodfellow, and his son is actually on base.
The first day, he focused mainly on the ladies. He had us all get into a line, and he went down the line and put oil on our heads, and prayed over us. Some of us ended up on the floor and were out for a while. I was one of those people.As I went down, I was crying hysterically, and then after a little while I could not stop laughing and then I was out and all I could hear from God was just truths that He was speaking over each individual part of my body. It started at my feet. I felt as if someone was physically holding my feet saying, "These feet will be used to go to places to touch lives." And then it moved up to my knees. I had just gotten hurt again the night before during basketball, and I was wearing my brace. I heard God ask, "Do you trust me?" And I responded, of course I do. And he asked again, "Do you REALLY trust me?" And I responded, YES of course I do. And He healed my knee! It was awesome. It then moved up to my stomach, and all I could hear was God saying, you're perfect, and I love you. No need to look like anyone but yourself. Then it was to my head. I heard God speaking so clear to me at this point saying, "I am renewing your mind, and I will be your strength." I woke up at that point and just laid there with so much joy. I tried sitting up and then fell right back down. I was like, "Okay God, I will just rest here." And that is what I did.
The next day, we were told to write down on a piece of paper of names of people that we have carried with us that have hurt us, or even situations that have damaged us, and we were going to throw it in the fire. John also said that some people may need to throw physical things in the fire, such as clothing, or other things. It was my turn to go up and I basically said I had a list of people who have in some way hurt me in my life, and I've held onto that hurt for too long, and also a few other things. And I threw into the fire a piece of clothing that shouldn't and does no longer have any control in my life. (It was a bikini, and I don't have a problem with them, I just have a problem with how I felt when I wore it. So I decided to give up my right to it, and let God have it. And it was so FREEING.) So then, the next day, we got prayed over again, but by our staff, and I ended up on the floor again. I just got pictures of some things, and it was awesome. One of the staff, Cassie, once I got up, she looks at me and says, "I love how you're always on the floor..." It was great. So basically, I got free from A LOT that week, and have been overwhelmed with joy and peace that I can not even explain to you.
So then, this past week we talked about the Holy Spirit. And wow, what a life changer, again. The speakers name was Nick Gough, and it was so awesome. He went around our classroom and gave prophetic words to us all. The words that I keep getting are radical, soul winner, a sword in my hand, teacher, and leader. In some sort of way, every time, these words come up. So then Tuesday night we had a time of just being able to prophesy over people. I went up to probably 5 different people and told them what God had told me, and every single time I did so, the person I went up to started crying. I'm like, YES Jesus! You are awesome. Seriously. All glory to Him. He speaks, and when we listen, we can build each other up. I titled this, death in it's grave because I feel like in my life, I have officially laid DEATH in it's grave. No longer am I slave to what has happened to me, but I can use that as a testimony of Gods grace and provision in my life. PRAISE HIM. :)
To end this, I basically just want to say, I am learning SO much while being here, and God's been changing and shaping me so much.
We leave in 15 days for Thailand, and I couldn't be more excited to go share the word of God with people there. We will be working with a variety of different people and we are expecting big things there. Our team is awesome, and we are READY.
If you could keep all 4 of our teams in your prayers. There is still some financial needs in our school for people to be able to go on outreach, and we know God will provide. Thank you!!! :)

Sleepless in Seattle

Wow. How true that is... Sleepless in Seattle. If one thing is for certain, we were all running on very little sleep this last week. This week we were given the great opportunity to go minister to the people of Seattle. And of course, I was super excited because that is so close to home!
So we all hopped into 6 vans, 12 or 15 passenger, and went on a road trip. On the drive over, I was getting nervous, but still super excited to see what God was going to do.
As usual, we had lectures in the mornings, and then lunch. Lectures were about evangelism, and it was so awesome because we got to put it into application right away. It was awesome. Everyday, we also had the choice of what ministry we wanted to go to that day. There was options such as, Jubilee Reach (which is a thrift shop in the area), Union Gospel Mission Men's Center downtown Seattle, where we would serve them a meal, or there was also a demo team who did some work at this one place and also a cleaning crew, yard work crew, etc. The first day, we were also given the choice to stay at the church and help them out where they needed. That is what I chose to do the first day, and it was awesome. We got to fold a BUNCH of tablecloths, and just help the church we were staying at and bless them. To just see the look on the ladies face once we were done was so worth the time and energy we spent doing what we did. Of course, we had fun doing it. Including, shooting a few baskets while laying on the floor.
Monday night, we were sent out to Capitol Hill and were to just go talk to people. I was in a group with my friend Kristen and this guy Javier. We said a quick hello to a few people, but nothing big. So we went back to the church, and I just felt so worthless, like I had done nothing that night, and I was so angry at myself. How is it that I have the faith I have, but can't share it with people? We had debriefing, and it seemed like a lot of people found it hard, but they at least talked to people. I went to bed, and was just still so mad. So the next day, Tuesday, we were given the option of going out evangelizing, ALL DAY. Of course, I jumped on this, and said, PICK ME! I wanted to reach out, and to get the opportunity to do it all day, of course I want to do that. So on the ride over we were talking to the school leaders, Jeff & Kristy, and it made me feel 100% better for what happened Monday night. Kristy told us that she felt as if she just barely got into it when we had to leave, and that she didn't really get to talk to people either. *sigh of relief* I'm not the only one! So, we got into groups, and I was with Natasha and Kristen. We started our day at Starbucks, and then from there we were going to decide where to go. We didn't really feel anything specific yet, so we began walking down to the park area. The first ladies to talk to US were 2 ladies from China who were having a petition for the organ trafficking in China. It was so powerful to talk to them, and listen to what they had to say because we just went through the experiencing injustice, and to see it in real life was so touching. We asked if we could pray for them, and at first I noticed the lady kinda jump back, but then they both let us pray over them. We prayed, and I know they didn't understand a whole lot of what we were saying, but it was good. So we kept walking and a man asked if we could watch his magic trick. So we said, sure, and watched. After his trick was over we talked to him a little bit and found out he was from Vietnam, and that he moved to Seattle about a year and a half ago and was trying to get money for his son and himself. We asked if we could pray for him, and he didn't understand, so we had to explain what prayer was to him, and it was really good. So then we kept walking around Downtown Seattle and we found a homeless lady and we went over and started talking to her. Her name was Rae-Rae, and Natasha ended up giving her dinner to her. (We had packed dinners that morning because we weren't going to be home all day). Then we found out that she was not doing well health wise, and we prayed over her for healing. Just to see her face and talk to her was so powerful and she was so thankful. During our conversation with this woman, a man came over and asked us if we had more dinners to give away, and so I gave him mine. Then we continued on after that, and we came across another homeless lady and Kristen gave her her dinner. It was just such a good feeling to be able to bless them and give them the basic needs, like food and water.
Later that night, we got picked up around 6:30pm and went with the school leaders to Pioneer Square. From there, Kristen, Natasha, Jeff and myself got out of the van and started walking around. We ended up talking to this guy Darrell for around 45 minutes. He said that he is a believer and all he wants to do is help people. That he had just lost his job, son and wife and was now on the streets. He had a joint in his hand, and was pretty out of it. Part of the conversation he made us go really deep with him and tell him our stories of why we believe what we believe. This was so challenging for me. It was digging down to the root and telling people why I believe in God, and what he has done in my life. Darrell ended up sharing with us that he was in a dark place and that he almost committed suicide. So when it came time to tell my story, I really felt like I connected with him because of my past. I just told him how I was in a dark place, and how God got me out of it, and now I am where I am because of it. It was so awesome. Jeff got his number, and we ended up praying over him, and he prayed for us.
On Wednesday I was able to help at this place called Urban Impact, and we helped set up for Halloween. It was really relaxing and just what I needed that day because of all we did on Tuesday. That night, I went with a group back down to Pikes Place, and around downtown Seattle. Right as we got there and started walking around, there was a stabbing across the street from where we were. I was with a staff guy Payton, and Natasha and we had no idea that that had happened until later. We then ended up walking back to Pioneer Square because I really wanted to find Darrell again, and he said that he is always in the same spot. So we went over there, and he wasn't there. So we decided to wait and pray to see where God wanted us to go. Natasha and I both got that we were supposed to go back down by the water by Pikes Place and so we did. We ended up sitting on a couple logs and interceding for Seattle. It was overall a pretty good night.
Thursday we had our last lecture in the morning, and then we had small groups. It had been a pretty emotional week so far, with very little sleep, and so basically it was just spilling our emotions. Which ended up being awesome. :)
Friday we had a free day and I ended up going shopping with Kristen, Natasha and my mom the first part of it, and then had dinner with my family the second half and went to Best Buy to get my mom and dad new phones. It was good to see them again for a little while. Also, I got to see Taryn's parents and talk with them for a little bit as well.
Saturday was a long day of driving back to base, and now we are here. :) It was such a good, long, and emotional week. God is working in Seattle and He definitely broke my heart for those people. I was definitely, sleepless in Seattle, in more ways than one.

The sunset downtown on Tuesday during ministry time.

playing in the leaves after ministry time before dinner on Monday :)

Death, Burial, and Ressurection

Another week has passed. Every week seems to be going by faster and faster. I can't even keep up! This week we had Ron & Judy Smith come and teach us on the Biblical Foundations. As you may know, I grew up in a Christian home, so I didn't expect to learn much through this week, but boy was I wrong, as I usually am when I say that. They taught on so many subjects, but one that has completely stood out to me was the one on reading your bible more.
I always say, oh yeah I need to read my bible more, but I never got such passion for it until they talked about it this week. They had 2 ladies from the SBS (School of Biblical Studies) staff come in and talk to us about their experiences on this subject, and they inspired me so much to dig into the word. In our DTS we are going through the whole New Testament, but now one of the other girls who is going to Thailand with me, Natasha, and I have started reading the bible out loud to each other. We started in Luke, and we both take turns reading. So I read through the whole thing, now it's her turn to read it to me, and we are going to do this with all the books of the bible, beginning with the New Testament.  Ron & Judy also talked a lot on sin. One thing that really stood out to me was how it is not by our sin that we are kept out of heaven, but by our unbelief that Jesus took on our sins in His death and not believing in Him. This blew my mind this week. Even though that is something so simple, God has been giving me so many revelations through it, and it's AWESOME. I can't wait to be able to dig into Gods word on my own, and also next year doing SBS for 9 months. God is really starting to show me His plan, and I am so excited for it. He is SO GOOD.
This week we also had angel-mortal week, where we drew names of somebody and we were to give them gifts/letters/something encouraging throughout the week, and we had $5 total to spend all week. It was awesome because I love giving gifts and being encouraging so it was super fun! Also, my angel knew me pretty well... gave me a card with a cat joke, a disposable camera to take pictures.. I mean, come on. She is amazing! :) We got to find out who our angels were on Thursday night, and it was super fun. Mine was one of the girls, her name is Rebecca and she is from Michigan.
This week we get to go to Seattle for mini outreach, and I am super excited. :) Go back to my home state of Washington! God is going to amazing things there, and I can't wait to minister to people on the street. If you could keep us all in your prayers for this week, that would be awesome!
That is all I have this week. God is doing amazing things here, and I can't believe we leave for OUTREACH in just under 2 months! So crazy. :) Thailand, HERE I COME.

Experiencing Injustice

So, I wasn't going to do a blog this week, but Friday night we experienced something so emotional, but good. 

It was the first time that they have ever done it here. It was called "Experiencing Injustice" and what it is was us going around to 5 different interactive stations where they showed us some of the injustices of the world. It was so powerful and intense, something I will never forget. 

We got into different groups, and went out. The first station that I came to was about Sex Trafficking. We came up to a storage unit and our group leader knocked on the door. The door flings open and its 2 women, both part of our staff, and this man. It was insane to see and realize that things like that ARE real. It made me so angry.

The second station we went to was about Child Soldiers. We went into the prayer room and this guy was in there and he said that we can't worship loud, but we should sing amazing grace. So part of my heart knew something was going to happen, and I was already shaking, and found myself thinking twice about singing. Which is CRAZY to me because knowing it was not real, but still being afraid to sing made me really think about if I was actually put in that situation. So we started singing and a truck pulls up and these guys start knocking on the door and window and the one guy in the room leading this whole thing told us to get out and just RUN and don't stop. So we get out and the guys out there yelled us to get in the back of this truck and started screaming at us telling us that we no longer have a family, and that they are our mother and father now so we mid as well just forget about everyone else. At this point, everyone is just crying their eyes out, myself included. We were taken up in this truck up a little ways and told to get out and run to the side. I ended up tripping on a rock and falling on my knee. I got up and then we ran and had to get on our knees as they pointed guns at us and were screaming things. They put masks on our faces, and then took one of our guys in the group and were going to have him shoot the gun (with blanks... not real). It was SO powerful, one of the most powerful ones. All that was going through my mind was if this was real, and I did fall, I would have been shot and killed right then and there. 

The third station we went to was about Unclean Drinking Water. We went up to this table and one of the ladies was talking about this girl who went and got us water, and it's rude to not accept it and drink it so we had to drink it, and if we couldn't, one of our friends had to finish it for us, but we could NOT dump it out by any means. So I take one sip, and about puke. It was so gross. I just started crying. I can't believe it. It breaks my heart so bad.

The fourth station we went to was about Organ Trafficking. We went into the kitchen and there was a girl on the table and covered in fake blood. Then there was this other guy dressed in a surgeon outfit and asked us if we wanted to buy an organ and told us all these facts about it and stuff like that.  (I can't remember every detail, I was kinda a mess). So then we all refused to buy, obviously. And this other guy that was in the skit bought it, and the guy said, "someone always buys it, they always do." And we walked out. It was so powerful and crazy!!!

The fifth station we went to was about Child Labor. We went to what was a cocoa factory, and there was 2 girls in there working and being completely abused. One of the girls wasn't going "fast enough" and the one in charge of them dragged her away while the other throws herself at the window screaming for us to help her. It was so emotional, and my heart was so in there and I just wanted to run and grab her, even though I knew it was an act.

So then after we finished all the stations, we went back into our lecture hall and had 45 minutes or so to process what we just went through and worship. It was so intense. I ended up re-injuring my knee and scraping it up a bit, but I really do not care. It is such a reminder to me that these things are real, and it was so powerful. My heart has changed so much, and I don't think I can ever just go back to "normal" life. I want to do something. God has placed a few dreams/visions on my heart, and I want to do these. I will share more on them when I can. But, I thought I would update you all on what happened to us. It was emotional, but so good at the same time. It changed a lot of our hearts, and I do not believe we will be the same. At the same time, I know I can not change the whole world, but right now, where I am at, I can pray for these injustices, and make a difference that way. So my challenge is for you all to do the same. PRAY for these people. They are REAL people dealing with this stuff, and it is NOT OKAY. 

Dancing with Jesus

It's SATURDAY. Part of me wants to say, finally. And then the other part of me says, wow, it's already another Saturday. Time seems to be flying by here. I am absolutely loving it out here. It has definitely been a challenging time in my life, that is for sure. God has been working in a lot of areas in my life, and it's crazy. Every week we have different speakers on different topics, and this week was Relationships. Not only boy/girl relationships, but everything. We talked about being co-dependent on relationships. This kinda hit close to me because I have found myself more running to people for help than to God. I have been challenged a lot by God to step out of this and completely run to Him, and it has not been easy.

I have wrestled more with God this week than I have in my life. Every week we have to do journals and process through lectures, our quiet time, and basically everything that happened that week. I wrote more in my journal this week than I have, but I really think God is going to do amazing things with that. 

Last night (Friday), we had a worship night down in our lecture hall. It was the BEST worship I have ever felt. God really broke some chains off of me, and it was amazing. Ever since I got here, I have had my whole concept of knowing Gods love taken from me, and I know it was God. He wanted me to rework through some stuff, and see His love in a whole new way than I did before, and let me tell you, it's amazing. I was just on the floor reading the bible and God just spoke so clearly to me in these 3 pictures. I can't really share them right now, but it's awesome. So after that I got up and just started singing and for the last while during worship I have just pictured myself dancing with Jesus. As I got up, I felt the urge to just dance, but one of the really good dance ladies was in there, and I felt uncomfortable in dancing because I really have never taken any lessons or anything. So I did little hand gestures, and just as I started doing this, Taryn comes over to me and says that God had been telling her to tell me to dance for a while, and she almost wasn't going to tell me because she didn't think it was right. That made me almost want to cry. After she prayed over me, I just felt this presence just take over my body and I had no control of it. I just started dancing, and I would say it was DEFINITELY with Jesus. Guys, HE IS SO GOOD.

I definitely felt his love for me in that moment, and I couldn't even handle it. Also, this week I hurt my knee while I was sleeping somehow. A lot of us here in our DTS have been super attacked with leg injuries, so I know this was a complete attack. It was okay, but did have a lot of pain. So I wore my brace for a couple days, and then ended up tripping and falling on it on Wednesday night, and it just made it worse. On Friday this girl Hannah prayed over it, and after worship that night, it was COMPLETELY healed. The Spirit is moving so hard here, and it's amazing! I can't say it enough, but GOD IS SO GOOD. :) 

I also got to prepare and teach my VERY first teaching to the kids at the local elementary school this week. They have an after school program called CLUB 3:16 and through the Childrens Ministry track, I got the option to teach, and I took it! I had 2 days to prepare, and I was so nervous, but God worked in that, and it was awesome! I taught on Abraham, and the topic was on "How to Allow God to Change You" which is funny because that has been a struggle for me lately. But it did go really really well. All the praise to Him! :)

I am not sure if any of this makes sense, or if it was just a bunch of little things on my mind spilled out, but I hope you enjoyed it... I will update again on next Saturday. Just know, God is moving, and I am feeling more and more of Him every day! 

Walking Barefoot

First off, sorry I haven't updated in a while! It is crazy busy over here with everything, and this is the first time I could sit down and just write.

Second. IT IS AWESOME HERE. Day by day, I grow more in love with this place, and these people. I feel like I have known them my whole life, and that I can just trust and rely on them so much for encouragement and pointing me to Jesus! It's amazing the community God placed here at this time and season for each of us. I am in a small group with 4 other girls, and our leader Katie! These ladies are so amazing, and we have grown so much closer together, even though it's only been 2 weeks! We also have these journals that we are required to  do every week and turn in Monday morning and it has been such a good thing for me. It gives me time to sit down and reflect on what God has taught me during the week. 

This week we had the privilege of hearing from Mike Phillips on Hearing Gods Voice. I went into the week not really expecting to get much out of it because I felt like I was "pretty good" at hearing God. It's amazing what you can learn when you open your heart to hear what God will say. A lot of what Mike talked about was things I didn't even realize about myself and how those things sometimes prohibit me from hearing God well. Not only that, but he definitely brought up things that showed me why I act certain ways in certain situations, not even necessarily in a bad or sinful way, but just overall. He talked a lot on the Holy Spirit and how we all have the Holy Spirit inside of us, and it hit me pretty hard to hear some of the stuff he said, but in a really good way. God is changing me inside and out, and I really can not wait to tell you guys more! For now, I feel like this is all God wants me to say, but just know that being here has and is shaping me, and it is so good. Thank you so much for all your support!!!

So, as many of you are probably aware, my best friends are here with me too, and many of you also know the injury Taryn got 2 weeks ago, the day before we were supposed to move into our dorm. If you don't, you can head over to her blog and read the story, but I can just say that it was honestly one of scariest (not THE scariest) things I have had to deal with. She is SO strong though, and God has been healing her so much! So last night (Friday night) one of our friends Hannah got this sense that she was supposed to pray healing over Taryn and her foot (which many people have done). So a group of us sat in one of the rooms and Hannah prayed over her foot. Right as she prayed, we started seeing swelling going down, not dramatically but little by little. And so we continued to pray and worship, and I got the passage of James 5:13-18. Which is all about healing, and confessing your sins to each other. So we talk for a little bit, and just worship God for who He is, and what He has done for us. And then felt like we needed to obviously include God in this whole thing, so we sat there and just asked God, what do you want us to do?  God has been really showing me that He loves to speak to me through visions and dreams, and so he gave me a vision of a sort of blanket or towel over Taryns foot, so I was like okay Lord, so I tell everyone and we find this gray towel to put over her foot, but it didn't seem right, it seemed too big and not the right color and such, sounds dumb, but I felt like we needed it to be exact to my vision. So one of our friends Rut said she had a smaller towel, and I asked her what color it was, and she said white. At this point I freak out, and lay on the bed just PRAISING Jesus because the towel I had in my mind was white. WHOA. So, we end up searching for it for a few minutes and find it under Taryn. One of the other girls, Maddie, had a vision of it being a hot towel, so we got the towel wet and hot, and placed it over Taryns foot. So we sit back down and ask God, what do you want us to do now? The word oil popped into my head. So I say, alright Lord, I will tell them. So I say, "Well, I think we need oil for something." Maddies eyes LIGHT up and she's like, that's crazy because I found this oil in my bed the other day that I have no idea where it came from. So we grab the oil and then ask God, okay God what do you want us to do now? Rut speaks up and says, well in that passage you just read, the oldest used the oil. Also Maddie said that she had a vision of someone rubbing Taryns foot. So we decide that I was the oldest in the room and it was my job to rub Taryns foot with oil. As many of you know, I hate feet and have such a hard time with that, but I was like, alright God, it's all up to you to use this, and I know you will. So I rub her foot with oil, and we place the hot rag on top of her foot. By this time, it's 11, which is quiet hours, so we can't sing anymore, but we can still pray. So we turn on worship music on a laptop, and just sit in prayer in the dark over Taryns foot. After a half hour of doing this, we were like, okay God, what next? We all got the sense that we were just supposed to wait. I end up getting a time of 12, and then Maddie speaks up and says that the verse she just read in the bible was talking about morning time, and healing. So technically 12 is morning, so we sit in silence, and just worship and pray to God for healing. As it reached 11:59, Taryn had spoken up saying that she wanted to play one of the first worship songs she sang at Bellingham CTK, and so we do. I was like, we really don't have time for this... it's almost 12. I heard God speak very clearly to me, "What's 5 more minutes? Wait until 12:05." Okay God, but this song is shorter than that. What do you know... Right at 12:05 the song ends. So we ask God again, who is to take the rag off? The youngest. Which is Rut, who just turned 18 this week. Some say its revenge for her saying it was supposed to me rubbing the feet... but oh well. ;) Haha. So, Rut takes off the towel, and you can SEE that Taryns swelling has gone down SO much from before we started praying, and when she woke up this morning most of the bruising was gone. We are just PRAISING Jesus for his HEALING power! It is SO amazing and ALL the GLORY TO HIM! AH. HE is SO GOOD. Also, as we were coming down the mountain when Taryn initially got hurt, I got the time of 2 hours. So I immediately thought, oh 2 hours and she will be completely healed. Of course we all know that didn't happen. I just sort of forgot about the whole 2 hour thing, and moved on. UNTIL, last night, I realized we had prayed over Taryn for healing for 2 HOURS, and it happened. It is not 100% better that we know of, but God is definitely moving in her foot, and healing her. And to add the whole "2" thing, it had been exactly 2 weeks from when the injury occurred. AH, JESUS!!! What the heck. So good. Also, right before we even did this, we had gone out evangelizing in Kalispell, about 30 minutes from where we are, and it was awesome too, but when we were on our way back in the van, Taryn had a canker sore in her mouth, and our friend Maddie put her hand on Taryns lip, prayed, and it was COMPLETELY gone. So that was the first step in this whole healing thing, and it was AWESOME. God is so good!!! 

Basically, we all really didn't have much experience in healing, or any of it, but I really have been learning through things that God sometimes calls us to go barefoot, and go into the unknown and just see what He will do. Some of the things I said, I felt so stupid, but God uses even what we think is stupid, and not relevant. He will call us out of our comfort zone to see what we will do, and if we trust Him. He called and convicted me to touch Taryns foot, which was BEYOND what I ever thought I would do. 

Everyone in the room that night has a different story of how God spoke to them, and little prophecies and visions they were given, and I could write PAGES upon PAGES of what happened, but God did WORK in that room, in hearts, and physically. It is amazing what God can do with an open heart, and open mind. I LOVE IT! He is SO GOOD you guys. 

I will keep you updated what is happening with Taryns foot, but everyone that was there that day, seeing her foot, knew it was broken on the mountain, and God has been healing it so rapidly, beyond our expectations. So basically, what I encourage you guys to do, is not limit God. I know this is just an update on things going on here, but God can do things like this where you are at too, not just on a YWAM base. Press into Him! I love and miss you guys, and will update next Saturday. <3 nbsp="" p="">

Head first: no turning back.

Okay, so I haven't updated in a while, but that was not my intention. I actually stayed up the other night, wrote a blog, post it, only to find out it did not post and did not save. Only thing I can think of is that God didn't want that blog.. So here I am again. 

It's the start of day 4. I'm skipping breakfast cause I am not feeling well. My time here has been so amazing. I love getting to know new people, making new friends and of course, spending time with Jesus. Even though I have not even been here a week, God has moved in my heart and I have realized that I can not hold back any longer. 

Some of you may know that I have struggled with my relationship with my dad for a while now. Maybe it was my way of growing up, but something happened and what used to be "daddy's little girl", no longer wanted to be that title. I don't know what happened or why, I just know it happened. My heart started getting hard and I still don't understand why. On day 2, we came together and had a time of worship, teaching, and more worship. I felt so strongly convicted earlier that day, during one of our teachings, about my relationship with my dad. I shared with a couple ladies about it, and essentially moved on. I wasn't going to step out and try to fix it right then and there, I couldn't find the strength. So that night when we came together, my heart just broke. One of our staff, Cassie, talked about her family. And right when she said the first word, I felt an aching in my heart. 

I can't describe what the ache was, but it felt a little like emptiness, and a little girl inside me longing to reconnect with her dad. We continued to worship and just lay down whatever was on our hearts to God. Tears were many as we all tried to communicate how we felt. After a while, worship ends, and we start having a "cereal party" where we all just hung out, eating cereal. Us ywamers are pretty awesome. But again, during that time I still felt the emptiness inside of me. A little girl screaming to get out. A couple of my friends here told me that they were going to the prayer room to continue to worship, and if went with. I knew I had to call my dad, but part of me was scared to. Scared of what? I don't know. 

So we start walking toward the prayer room and I said outloud, "well I have a phone call to make, but it can wait til morning." Man, did God have other plans. We start to worship, and I feel this peace about calling my dad. A peace that I couldn't understand. I end up leaving the room and going outside and making the phone call. Tears flowing from both ends of the phone, I can say that it was the best decision to make. 

God has been wrecking me in other ways as well. Before coming here, I knew the love that God has for me, or at least I thought that I did. I knew I was loved by a King. But for some reason, God has stripped this knowledge from me, and has told me, I am making you new, and to do so, I had to take away what knowledge you thought you had and renew it. Okay God, have your way. I don't know what else I could have said than those words. He's never failed me in the past, why would he now? So I'm taking it with arms wide open to see what He will do. Break my heart, and renew it, fix it. 

So that's what's been going on these past couple days. I've realized that no matter how many times I had talked to people who have done YWAM, and asked them what it was going to be like, you will really never know until you get here, and experience it yourself. Everyone's story is different, and I'm learning that every day in new ways. 

We are pretty busy here, but I will update mainly on Saturdays because those are the days we have free. 

Here is Mackenzie and Maddie. Maddies from Texas. She's so funny and awesome! I love that girl. 

And here is Alex, Taryn, Mackenzie and I, the first day we were here. 

Climbing the Mountain

But my life is worth nothing to me unless I use it for finishing the work assigned me by the Lord Jesus—the work of telling others the Good News about the wonderful grace of God. Acts 20:24

Since I have officially left for my adventure with YWAM, I thought I would post a simple update. Even though our journey has barely begun, I already am feeling quite the change of heart. God has been speaking to me, restating the fact that He is sending me to Montana for a reason, and that there is great work to be done. 

We were driving last night and had a worship CD in, and as I just sat there, I let the words of the song sing to my soul. You might know the song, but what line spoke to me the most was, "I will climb this mountain, with my hands wide open. Trusting you'll make something beautiful." And that is ultimately my heart right now in this time. I will climb these mountains set before me, trusting in Him completely to make the mess that could entail, beautiful. 

God is so good to us, and I can not wait to see what He does in this season of my life. 

Faith: The Never Ending Lesson

Faith. We all believe in something. If I have learned anything, it's that not everyone has faith in the same things. We are all different, and all have different beliefs. For me, I choose to believe in the one true God. 

Before I became a Christian, I viewed the world in a completely different way. I viewed it as, rich experiences, but just full of let downs. I viewed everyone else as better than myself, and that I would never amount to anything, no matter how hard I tried. I believed I was doomed, that there was no real hope for me. Living and thinking this way led me to depression. If you have read my other blogs, you know that this ultimately led to an addiction of cutting, and hiding. Ultimately I let the world tell me who I was, and who the world was telling me I was was, worthless, not pretty enough, not skinny enough, never going to really amount to anything and that I might as well have given up trying.

Not until recently have I seen completely who I am in Christ. He is still working in me, I am not perfect. The most amazing thing about that is, He accepts me in my weaknesses, in my imperfectness. He loves me beyond what I can even fathom. This to me has been such a hard thing to understand. To understand that the God of the universe would choose to give up everything to become HUMAN, and live here on earth, just so He could know me. It blows my mind. It's something I've wrestled with, something I just can't get my mind to understand, and I think that is okay. He doesn't want us to understand everything, and that is where faith comes in.

If you have been following my life at all, you know that I plan on attending YWAM this fall in Montana (actually 25 days away from leaving). I have never felt a calling to missions, and definitely refused to get into YWAM because basically everyone I know has done it, or wants to. Until about February, I had my mind set that I was going to do an internship at Elevation Church in North Carolina. One day I was sitting there with Jesus, and I hear this voice say, go online and apply for YWAM, right now. I started "looking" into it, and didn't apply right away, but kept getting this tug at my heart for YWAM, so I gave up the control I wanted to have, and applied. I ended up getting accepted, and am now on my way. I still did not think I would actually end up doing it, and even told God that. Man, does God always have His own plan. Not only has he provided for my basic needs, but He has definitely been providing financially for my trip. I am just about $3,000 away from making it there, and that is where my faith has been tested the most.

I have been tested in my faith in God to provide financially so much in the last few weeks. Looking at the number of around $3,000 has just shaken me to my core. I've asked the question many times, "How am I supposed to get THAT much money in just under a month? There is no way. I can't do it. " And a little voice in my head (God), keeps whispering, "You're right, YOU can't do it, but I can... Just trust me." And then I turn around and someone donates more money than I ever expected. Faith in small things has never really been that hard, but actually having faith that God will do the BIG things has been a challenge. Just typing that, it sounds so pathetic and dumb now. How could I ever question that God who made the WHOLE universe, couldn't provide for the calling HE placed on my life? 

I know that He will get me to where I am going. I will continue to give my best, and listen to what He wants me to do. If anything, this season has brought a challenge to me really trusting in God. I can't do it, BUT He can, and will if I just let Him be God, and do what He does all the time. HE IS SO GOOD TO US you guys. I can't stress that enough. Just let yourself be in His presence a while, and He will show you His love, and things you could never dream of. :)

The Holy Spirit Moving

As I sit here in the silence of the day, replaying in my head what the day brought. The struggles, the pain, the laughter, the joy, it all brought me to my knees. Sitting in the presence of God has got to be the best thing I can and ever will do, but I find myself not doing it enough. I find myself making myself so busy with stupid little things, that I forget about my Savior sometimes. There, I said it. I'm human, and I forget about the one who saved my soul. Not only do I forget about Him and His goodness, I forget about the people around me. The people God has clearly placed in my life to reach out to, to lend a hand, to talk to about Him.

I have been going through the book of Acts in my personal study time, and it has seriously changed my life. I have gone deeper in the word then I ever have, and I know God wanted me to go through this book before YWAM, that is for sure. It talks all about the Holy Spirit, and being bold for Christ. I have had such an issue doing this in the past, and I feel as if God is really showing me how to step out of my comfort zone, and how much He is able to move there. At church this week, we talked about the paralytic man who was brought to Jesus through the roof, and He had his sins forgiven, and he was healed. What I have never really paid much attention to in this story was how God forgave his sins FIRST, and then worked on healing him. I look at that, and then look at my walk with Christ. How, He first forgave me for all the junk in my life, all that sin, and then worked on healing me. Healing can be instantaneous, or it can be a process, and for me it has been a process. A process of tears, many struggles, but also a lot of joy. He has taken this heart I have, broken it to pieces, and helped me pick them all up and start fresh. HE IS SO GOOD to us, and we don't deserve it at all. What we don't understand a lot of the time is that we can't EARN God's love and forgiveness no matter how hard we try. We are ALL like the paralytic man. He physically could not do anything to earn Jesus' love, but yet the faith of his friends healed him. The man couldn't earn money to give to the church, he couldn't do anything but lay there. We all that exact same way before Christ comes into our lives. Before someone introduced us to this man Jesus, we were paralyzed. We don't do the things we do as Christians to earn Gods love, but to show people Jesus, and to serve. I get this mixed up in so many ways. We think we have to bring people to church to show them Jesus, but just inviting them into our lives, to share our lives with them, to love them, shows more of who Jesus was then inviting them to church. Inviting someone to church is all good, but what Jesus did was hang out with the sinners. He found the most broken, furthest from God and chose them. Isn't our God SO GOOD?

So I challenge you, I challenge myself. Step out of your comfort zone. Hang out with the people that are looked down upon. Be a light in the world where you are at, and where you are going. I know Jesus wants to show up in big ways, only if we let Him. This is such a struggle in my life, and I feel like it will continue to be, but I am choosing from this day forward to surrender EVERYTHING I am over to Him, and let His Spirit guide my every step.

Fit for the Kingdom

I'm not writing this to show off. I'm not writing this to show how good I am. I'm writing this to maybe inspire some of you ladies to do the same, and to love who you are.

Somehow, I find myself every year thinking, how did summer come so quick? And then I take out the bathing suits, and put them right back. As ANY girl knows, it's a struggle to love your body. Maybe it comes with just being a girl, but every girl struggles at some point. I found myself sitting in front of the television, eating chips and dip more times than I can count. At first you don't notice a difference, or at all, until you try on those clothes that used to fit, or you get on that scale at the doctors. It's gut wrenching. 

There came a time recently where I was sick of all the excuses, sick of feeling like crap, and did something about it. I dusted off the workout shoes, and put those babies on. And let me tell you, it's been the hardest thing I have done, but the most rewarding for sure. It did not all come overnight either. I struggle daily with the decision to just watch TV and eat my favorite snack, or to get my butt outside for an hour and work it out. It changes your body, that is one thing, but you don't realize until after a while how it changes your mind and perspective. You start viewing yourself differently, you start looking at the world in a new way. You feel good about yourself. 

Great, you say.... I've been working out forever and never feel that way. Well, that isn't the only thing that has helped me feel better about myself. I have chosen that no matter what, two things are the most important in my life in this season. NUMBER ONE: Spending time with my Father. He knows me best. He knows my weakness, He knows my heart, and He understands. Even in the times that I don't want to do things, God whispers, "get out, go do it, you will not regret it, and I will be with you". No matter what, I know this is the most important thing, spending time relaxing in His presence. He  helps me on my workouts. When I feel like giving up, I look up and say, HELP!! And almost instantaneously I feel this push to keep going. To push through, and keep on going. Not only does this work in working out, but it works in all areas of life. It amazes me how God uses situations in life to point to Himself. He is SO GOOD.

NUMBER TWO: Being Healthy. As many of you know, I will be heading off to YWAM in Montana in the Fall. It hit me the other day, and realized, if I wanna do all I can do for Christ, I need to start being healthy. Often I get people saying, Megan, you are so skinny, you don't need to do that. No, actually, I don't do any of my workouts to necessarily "lose weight", I am doing it to stay healthy and be fit. God said to take care of His temple, and our bodies are the temple. During one of my workouts recently, my body was aching so hard, and I felt like giving up, but something inside me said, "Well maybe if you took care of the temple I gave you all along, you wouldn't feel this much pain.." BAM... God sure knows how to motivate me. 

So what this whole blog is, is to encourage you. GET OUT THERE! Do something you love to do. Whether that be running, biking, walking, dancing, whatever it may be, PUSH yourself. Do it until you can't breathe. It will hurt, but after you do it, you will be so proud of yourself, and God will be too. 

I will post some of my workouts for you guys to read and maybe follow if you are lost in that area. But seriously... get out there. Don't let excuses run your life anymore. Give those excuses to God and see what He says about them. :) 

For everything there is a season..

When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you; when you walk through fire you shall not be burned, and the flame shall not consume you.

Isaiah 43:2

So, I haven't updated my blog in a while, and thought that this would be the perfect time to do so. A lot has happened, and I feel as if God has been teaching me a lot in the last month. From having more patience, to my parents moving 1,500 miles away, I have had a lot of change in my life.

As many of you know, my parents have wanted to make a move to Arizona for a long time now. Well, they finally made their dreams a reality in the recent weeks.  In the middle to end of May, my parents sold their business, and decided to pack everything up and move to Arizona. I did not think it would go as fast as it did, however, but within the next month, my parents had sold their business, and just this last Sunday, they headed on their journey south. I stayed behind because in September, I plan on heading off to YWAM in Montana, and it just wouldn't worked out for me to move for only a couple months. It has been one hard transition, and I feel like it still isn't complete for me, but I'm getting there.

It's been a pretty rough transitioning from living with my parents, to not having them here. I've had to do things I've never done before, and it has just left me thinking, "When did I grow up? How did this all happen so fast?" I know that God has a plan, and everything will work out for my good, but right now I just feel so overwhelmed by the emotions, and things I have to do. And this is where God has gotten me the most. Put down the lists, put down the emotions. Lay them all at the cross. That is what I keep hearing in my head. That's what I keep feeling God is trying to teach me on a daily basis. I have had to constantly be in the mind set of, His will will be done, and to just relax in His presence and let Him work out the details.

I was listening to a sermon on Elevation Church app, as I always do in the mornings, and Pastor Steven was talking about this in the one I listened to this morning and it hit right at home. We all pay to be apart of something. Whether that be a club, or membership, we pay. We can pay in time, energy, or even money. If we want it, we will pay for it. God wanted us, so He paid the price for us by sending His son to die. So, if He did this, why would He just abandon us now? He wouldn't. If you paid for something, wouldn't you go to that place, or use that item? OF COURSE you would! So this is kinda what God has been teaching me. That He hasn't abandon me, that He paid the initial price for me, and will continue to do so until the work He has for me here is finished. He will never leave me. He is always right beside me.

As I get ready for YWAM, and prepare for a basically whole new life, I know I will have challenges, but I know that if I am just patient to wait on God, and His timing, everything will work out, and it totally has already! He is definitely providing for my needs for YWAM, and even daily life, and I am ever so grateful! He is so good to us. :)

Not Forgotten

I have been afraid to tell my story. Afraid that people would use it against me, but I feel as if God has told me to tell it. To not be afraid. To step out and share. And that is what I am doing. 

Emptiness found me.

Emptiness defined me.

Emptiness was my daily life.

I was enraged by the smallest thing.

I felt alone.

I was living life, but hating it.

I didn't want to get up in the morning.

It was a struggle to care about anything.

I wanted happiness.

It seemed like it would never come.

I found my worth in the world.

I defined myself by things.

I wanted to be wanted.

I felt worthless. 

And that is where I found myself throughout high school and a year or so after. I struggled as a teenage girl transitioning from being that innocent little girl with no cares in the world, to having responsibility. They tell you in the world that you should find "the one" by the time you're out of high school. Or at least, I felt that I should have. I tried to make this happen. I dated a few guys the first 2 years of high school, and ended up being more broken then ever after those relationships. It really wasn't what I wanted for myself, and perhaps I knew that all along. Freshman year was tough. My best friend and I had gone through a lot together. We were both inseparable. If she was not at my house, I was at hers. We would talk for hours on the phone, and cry together at night in our rooms. We knew everything about each other. We did everything together. We got baptized together August of 2006. But, after a few series of events that happened to us that year, she started cutting. My mom was our small group leader at our churches youth group, and I became worried about my best friend, and so did my mom. At one point my mom was so upset she said, and I'll never forget this moment, "If I ever find out you're doing something like this, you're going straight to counseling." This terrified me. I kept my mouth shut after that. I hid something from her after that. Remember when I said my best friend and I did everything together? Yeah. What you're thinking is true. What my mom didn't know was that I was cutting too. I hid it better. So that's what I continued to do. I covered it all up. My emotions, my cuts, my everything. I would act happy, and cry when needed. Freshman year continued... I lost a few close friends to partying, and them wanting to go separate ways. Ended up losing my best friend to this. I let this define me. They didn't want to be friends with the "girl who went to church." They didn't want me. I remember a phone call with one of my best friends the summer after freshman year was over. She had called to tell me that instead of hanging out with me the next year, she was going to hang out with my ex, and his friends. This destroyed me. You mean, going into my sophomore year, I wouldn't have ANY friends? All the friends I had, either moved away, or didn't want anything to do with me. I ended up crying out to God, asking why He would let this happen. Why would I have to lose all my friends in a few short months? Why. That question controlled my life for a year or so. I couldn't seem to get the answers.

I plugged myself in to every church event I could after that. I was already helping during my freshman year, but I still had some time on my hands, so I volunteered in everything I could. From children's summer camps, to youth ministry, to even ushering at 'BIG' church. I began seeing a change in my perspective. I stopped asking why and started asking what. What can I do from here to get out of this mess I've gotten myself in? I gave up control, and started letting God take the reigns like He had wanted all along. Sophomore year came and went. Junior year was here. I made new friends, and was striving. I felt so happy for once. Senior year was coming, and I was excited. Excited to almost be done with the worst years of my life. For my senior project, I did a retreat for young women at my church. I was following what I thought God wanted for my life. I found out my sister-in-law was pregnant a few months in to my senior year. I was so happy to be an aunt before graduation. If you know me, I love kids, and this was my dream. February came, and I get a phone call at lunch on the 26th. It was my mom. She was crying saying they had lost the baby. At first I did not know what to say, I asked if she was joking. She said no, and that I needed to come home RIGHT away. I did, and I left immediately. Turned out to be one of the worst weekends of my life. I have never cried so many tears. My sister-in-law ended up having a blood clot in the umbilical cord, and the baby was gone. She was 7 1/2 months along at the time. This devastated me. I did not know what to do from there. I was, once again, lost. With no direction. I felt as if my whole world stopped. The only thing I had ever known to deal with my emotions was cutting. I did NOT want to do this again. I sat in my room one night, just crying my eyes out, saying, "I do not want to go back to my old ways, HELP ME." Crying out, and felt like I was not getting a response. I felt weak, and helpless. I fell back into it. I felt like I couldn't find any other way to cope. I knew God was there, but if He was there, why would this happen. I started asking that question again. Why? Why?! WHY!? And I couldn't stop. 

I went to a retreat with my church up to Rockridge. I did not know that this weekend would end up changing my life, for the good. A guy went up to speak and tell his testimony, and ended up talking on depression. It was then, I knew I was depressed. I never really got out of the slump I was in to begin with. I always felt worthless, like nothing I could do would be enough for anyone, and surely not God. I felt alone. He had mentioned the book of Job, and how much it helped him through what he was going through. I made the decision that night to read through the whole book. And I did. I cried, and cried, but I knew God was there. If Job could lose his WHOLE family, and I only lose my nephew, what am I crying about? 

I had lost my passion. Lost everything that had to do with my faith it felt like. It wasn't until September of 2010 that I felt as if God was calling me back to Him. I mean, I am sure He always was, I just never listened. I felt a STRONG pull at my heart and gave it all back to Him. I said, "God, I don't know where to go from here, but I know with you, I can do anything.. Help me." And that was it. I hadn't slept in days. And on one Sunday morning after praying that prayer, I fell asleep right after, and slept for hours. I felt refreshed. I felt relaxed. I felt as if God was there. 

It has been an UPHILL climb since that day in September 2010.

I feel now like God has given me my passion back. He has given me dreams. He has shown me what, and why. He has shown me that even in all the struggles I have gone through, there He was, always beside me. I was never alone, I just didn't know it. 

What I didn't know through all of this, was that I would end up being a small group leader for young women dealing with the same problems that I dealt with at their age. That in my struggles, He had a reason for it all. And where I am now, can not compare to anything I've ever felt before. I feel such happiness and joy every day, that I really can't even explain. He has given me so much, and blessed me so much with an amazing family, group and friends, and a church family. I would not be where I am today with out a lot of those people. God has truly worked in my life, and I felt as if it needed to be shared. Thank you for taking the time to read this. I know that His work in me is not done, so stay tuned. :) He has greater things to do, in and through me, and I am SO excited and NOT turning back now. I am running full force ahead. Nothing can stop me. If God if for me, WHO can be against me? 

                                 

  

Walking on the Water

In some recent quiet time with Jesus, He has shown me some things that I would love to share with you guys. I have heard  the story of Jesus walking on water so many times, more than I could probably count on both my hands and feet. What I did not see in this story, however, is what I think Jesus really wanted us to see. This story is probably one of the most known stories in the bible, even by non Christians. They teach it in Sunday school, there is bumper stickers, quotes, and pictures from it. Every other time I have heard this story, I have thought of it in the same way, Peter didn't focus on God, and he sank, so we need to keep our eyes on Jesus, unlike Peter. I am sure I am not the only one who has only been taught it this way, but I now have fresh eyes on it, and I am being OVERWHELMED by how amazing it is.

While it may be true that Peter did not focus on God, and He ended up sinking, and we need to focus on Jesus so we won't sink, I think Jesus wanted us to get something more out of this story. As humans, we are all afraid to fail. If we know we are going to fail, we obviously would never try and quit right on the spot. That is what is so great about this story. Jesus told His disciples to get onto a boat and head to the other side. (Matthew 14:22)  They were quite a ways from shore where Jesus was, and their boat was being beaten by waves because the winds were so strong. (Matthew 14: 24) On the fourth night, Jesus came to them walking on the water. (Matthew 14:25) And at this point in the story, I think I would be saying, "YES!! Jesus has come to save us!!" But as we look into what happens next, we realize that is not the case. The story goes on to say that they were terrified, and cried out, "IT'S A GHOST!" Immediately, Jesus spoke to them saying, "Take heart, it is I. Do not be afraid." Peter answered, "Lord, if it is you, command me to come to you on the water." He said, "Come." So Peter got out of the boat and walked on the water and came to Jesus. (Matthew 14:26-29) I am almost 100% sure that Jesus KNEW Peter would fail in this moment. He knew that when He called Peter out onto the water, that he would eventually sink, and He would have to save him. Peter, however, did not. And I'm sure if he did, he never would have stepped out of the boat. BUT, Jesus STILL called Peter out onto the raging stormy water, even though he knew all too well Peter would fail.
When Peter saw the wind, He began to sink he cried out, Lord! Save me." Immediately, Jesus reached out his hand and took hold of him saying, "Oh you of little faith, why did you doubt?" And at this point in the story is when many people mock Peter. (Not in the story, but now when we are told it.) We think, seriously Peter... after all you have seen Jesus do, you still doubted Him, so you sank? What a fool. You should have just kept your eyes on Jesus, and you would of been fine. But what we do not see, is that we are all like Peter. We all fail, even when God calls us out. And maybe, just maybe, this is because we are so inclined to ignore Him, and not trust Him. We don't cry out for help, like He wants us to. And that is what I think this story was intended for. In times of trouble, we are supposed to cry out to Jesus, and ask Him to help us. He wants us to! Many times, as believers, I feel like we are ashamed of our failure, that we just keep sinking and never ask for help. We think we can do it all alone, that we can handle it. And Jesus won't force Himself upon us. He will just walk on by and allow a storm to come because He knows that eventually you will call out to Him.

The story goes on to say that when Jesus and Peter got back to the boat, the wind ceased. And those who were in the boat worshiped him saying, "You truly ARE the Son of God." (Matthew 14:32-33)

Many times when a storm rages in our life, we immediately start playing the blame game. We blame Satan, we blame our circumstances, we blame our family, friends, coworkers, EVERY one else, but what we don't do is cry out to God. Often times, Jesus will call us out into a storm, not to harm us, but to show us that all we have to do is cry out to Him and He will come to our rescue. That we do NOT have to do it alone. He will allow failure in our lives to ultimately show us that the only HOPE we can have, is in HIM, and in what HE wants us to do. This has become SO clear in my life recently. As many of you may know, I feel as if God is calling me to do YWAM in Montana. This is a HUGE step of faith for me, and I almost feel as if God is calling me out into a storm. I do not know how I will pay for this trip, I do not know really anything other than God is calling me to step out, and that is what I have to do. I am deeply afraid. I will be away from my home for 5+ months. I will not have a paying job, I will not be where I am comfortable. I can say how excited I am many times, but inside I feel shaky and scared. Through this story, I feel as if God is saying, you may fail sometimes in this journey I am taking you on, but I am trying to teach you to cry out to me, oh daughter of mine. And this wrecks my heart, in a good way. I am falling even DEEPER in love with my Savior day by day, and although I am super nervous and scared to step out in faith, I know that He will bless it and will help me, if I only cry out to Him.