I have been afraid to tell my story. Afraid that people would use it against me, but I feel as if God has told me to tell it. To not be afraid. To step out and share. And that is what I am doing.
Emptiness found me.
Emptiness defined me.
Emptiness was my daily life.
I was enraged by the smallest thing.
I felt alone.
I was living life, but hating it.
I didn't want to get up in the morning.
It was a struggle to care about anything.
I wanted happiness.
It seemed like it would never come.
I found my worth in the world.
I defined myself by things.
I wanted to be wanted.
I felt worthless.
And that is where I found myself throughout high school and a year or so after. I struggled as a teenage girl transitioning from being that innocent little girl with no cares in the world, to having responsibility. They tell you in the world that you should find "the one" by the time you're out of high school. Or at least, I felt that I should have. I tried to make this happen. I dated a few guys the first 2 years of high school, and ended up being more broken then ever after those relationships. It really wasn't what I wanted for myself, and perhaps I knew that all along. Freshman year was tough. My best friend and I had gone through a lot together. We were both inseparable. If she was not at my house, I was at hers. We would talk for hours on the phone, and cry together at night in our rooms. We knew everything about each other. We did everything together. We got baptized together August of 2006. But, after a few series of events that happened to us that year, she started cutting. My mom was our small group leader at our churches youth group, and I became worried about my best friend, and so did my mom. At one point my mom was so upset she said, and I'll never forget this moment, "If I ever find out you're doing something like this, you're going straight to counseling." This terrified me. I kept my mouth shut after that. I hid something from her after that. Remember when I said my best friend and I did everything together? Yeah. What you're thinking is true. What my mom didn't know was that I was cutting too. I hid it better. So that's what I continued to do. I covered it all up. My emotions, my cuts, my everything. I would act happy, and cry when needed. Freshman year continued... I lost a few close friends to partying, and them wanting to go separate ways. Ended up losing my best friend to this. I let this define me. They didn't want to be friends with the "girl who went to church." They didn't want me. I remember a phone call with one of my best friends the summer after freshman year was over. She had called to tell me that instead of hanging out with me the next year, she was going to hang out with my ex, and his friends. This destroyed me. You mean, going into my sophomore year, I wouldn't have ANY friends? All the friends I had, either moved away, or didn't want anything to do with me. I ended up crying out to God, asking why He would let this happen. Why would I have to lose all my friends in a few short months? Why. That question controlled my life for a year or so. I couldn't seem to get the answers.
I plugged myself in to every church event I could after that. I was already helping during my freshman year, but I still had some time on my hands, so I volunteered in everything I could. From children's summer camps, to youth ministry, to even ushering at 'BIG' church. I began seeing a change in my perspective. I stopped asking why and started asking what. What can I do from here to get out of this mess I've gotten myself in? I gave up control, and started letting God take the reigns like He had wanted all along. Sophomore year came and went. Junior year was here. I made new friends, and was striving. I felt so happy for once. Senior year was coming, and I was excited. Excited to almost be done with the worst years of my life. For my senior project, I did a retreat for young women at my church. I was following what I thought God wanted for my life. I found out my sister-in-law was pregnant a few months in to my senior year. I was so happy to be an aunt before graduation. If you know me, I love kids, and this was my dream. February came, and I get a phone call at lunch on the 26th. It was my mom. She was crying saying they had lost the baby. At first I did not know what to say, I asked if she was joking. She said no, and that I needed to come home RIGHT away. I did, and I left immediately. Turned out to be one of the worst weekends of my life. I have never cried so many tears. My sister-in-law ended up having a blood clot in the umbilical cord, and the baby was gone. She was 7 1/2 months along at the time. This devastated me. I did not know what to do from there. I was, once again, lost. With no direction. I felt as if my whole world stopped. The only thing I had ever known to deal with my emotions was cutting. I did NOT want to do this again. I sat in my room one night, just crying my eyes out, saying, "I do not want to go back to my old ways, HELP ME." Crying out, and felt like I was not getting a response. I felt weak, and helpless. I fell back into it. I felt like I couldn't find any other way to cope. I knew God was there, but if He was there, why would this happen. I started asking that question again. Why? Why?! WHY!? And I couldn't stop.
I went to a retreat with my church up to Rockridge. I did not know that this weekend would end up changing my life, for the good. A guy went up to speak and tell his testimony, and ended up talking on depression. It was then, I knew I was depressed. I never really got out of the slump I was in to begin with. I always felt worthless, like nothing I could do would be enough for anyone, and surely not God. I felt alone. He had mentioned the book of Job, and how much it helped him through what he was going through. I made the decision that night to read through the whole book. And I did. I cried, and cried, but I knew God was there. If Job could lose his WHOLE family, and I only lose my nephew, what am I crying about?
I had lost my passion. Lost everything that had to do with my faith it felt like. It wasn't until September of 2010 that I felt as if God was calling me back to Him. I mean, I am sure He always was, I just never listened. I felt a STRONG pull at my heart and gave it all back to Him. I said, "God, I don't know where to go from here, but I know with you, I can do anything.. Help me." And that was it. I hadn't slept in days. And on one Sunday morning after praying that prayer, I fell asleep right after, and slept for hours. I felt refreshed. I felt relaxed. I felt as if God was there.
It has been an UPHILL climb since that day in September 2010.
I feel now like God has given me my passion back. He has given me dreams. He has shown me what, and why. He has shown me that even in all the struggles I have gone through, there He was, always beside me. I was never alone, I just didn't know it.
What I didn't know through all of this, was that I would end up being a small group leader for young women dealing with the same problems that I dealt with at their age. That in my struggles, He had a reason for it all. And where I am now, can not compare to anything I've ever felt before. I feel such happiness and joy every day, that I really can't even explain. He has given me so much, and blessed me so much with an amazing family, group and friends, and a church family. I would not be where I am today with out a lot of those people. God has truly worked in my life, and I felt as if it needed to be shared. Thank you for taking the time to read this. I know that His work in me is not done, so stay tuned. :) He has greater things to do, in and through me, and I am SO excited and NOT turning back now. I am running full force ahead. Nothing can stop me. If God if for me, WHO can be against me?
