Faith: The Never Ending Lesson

Faith. We all believe in something. If I have learned anything, it's that not everyone has faith in the same things. We are all different, and all have different beliefs. For me, I choose to believe in the one true God. 

Before I became a Christian, I viewed the world in a completely different way. I viewed it as, rich experiences, but just full of let downs. I viewed everyone else as better than myself, and that I would never amount to anything, no matter how hard I tried. I believed I was doomed, that there was no real hope for me. Living and thinking this way led me to depression. If you have read my other blogs, you know that this ultimately led to an addiction of cutting, and hiding. Ultimately I let the world tell me who I was, and who the world was telling me I was was, worthless, not pretty enough, not skinny enough, never going to really amount to anything and that I might as well have given up trying.

Not until recently have I seen completely who I am in Christ. He is still working in me, I am not perfect. The most amazing thing about that is, He accepts me in my weaknesses, in my imperfectness. He loves me beyond what I can even fathom. This to me has been such a hard thing to understand. To understand that the God of the universe would choose to give up everything to become HUMAN, and live here on earth, just so He could know me. It blows my mind. It's something I've wrestled with, something I just can't get my mind to understand, and I think that is okay. He doesn't want us to understand everything, and that is where faith comes in.

If you have been following my life at all, you know that I plan on attending YWAM this fall in Montana (actually 25 days away from leaving). I have never felt a calling to missions, and definitely refused to get into YWAM because basically everyone I know has done it, or wants to. Until about February, I had my mind set that I was going to do an internship at Elevation Church in North Carolina. One day I was sitting there with Jesus, and I hear this voice say, go online and apply for YWAM, right now. I started "looking" into it, and didn't apply right away, but kept getting this tug at my heart for YWAM, so I gave up the control I wanted to have, and applied. I ended up getting accepted, and am now on my way. I still did not think I would actually end up doing it, and even told God that. Man, does God always have His own plan. Not only has he provided for my basic needs, but He has definitely been providing financially for my trip. I am just about $3,000 away from making it there, and that is where my faith has been tested the most.

I have been tested in my faith in God to provide financially so much in the last few weeks. Looking at the number of around $3,000 has just shaken me to my core. I've asked the question many times, "How am I supposed to get THAT much money in just under a month? There is no way. I can't do it. " And a little voice in my head (God), keeps whispering, "You're right, YOU can't do it, but I can... Just trust me." And then I turn around and someone donates more money than I ever expected. Faith in small things has never really been that hard, but actually having faith that God will do the BIG things has been a challenge. Just typing that, it sounds so pathetic and dumb now. How could I ever question that God who made the WHOLE universe, couldn't provide for the calling HE placed on my life? 

I know that He will get me to where I am going. I will continue to give my best, and listen to what He wants me to do. If anything, this season has brought a challenge to me really trusting in God. I can't do it, BUT He can, and will if I just let Him be God, and do what He does all the time. HE IS SO GOOD TO US you guys. I can't stress that enough. Just let yourself be in His presence a while, and He will show you His love, and things you could never dream of. :)

The Holy Spirit Moving

As I sit here in the silence of the day, replaying in my head what the day brought. The struggles, the pain, the laughter, the joy, it all brought me to my knees. Sitting in the presence of God has got to be the best thing I can and ever will do, but I find myself not doing it enough. I find myself making myself so busy with stupid little things, that I forget about my Savior sometimes. There, I said it. I'm human, and I forget about the one who saved my soul. Not only do I forget about Him and His goodness, I forget about the people around me. The people God has clearly placed in my life to reach out to, to lend a hand, to talk to about Him.

I have been going through the book of Acts in my personal study time, and it has seriously changed my life. I have gone deeper in the word then I ever have, and I know God wanted me to go through this book before YWAM, that is for sure. It talks all about the Holy Spirit, and being bold for Christ. I have had such an issue doing this in the past, and I feel as if God is really showing me how to step out of my comfort zone, and how much He is able to move there. At church this week, we talked about the paralytic man who was brought to Jesus through the roof, and He had his sins forgiven, and he was healed. What I have never really paid much attention to in this story was how God forgave his sins FIRST, and then worked on healing him. I look at that, and then look at my walk with Christ. How, He first forgave me for all the junk in my life, all that sin, and then worked on healing me. Healing can be instantaneous, or it can be a process, and for me it has been a process. A process of tears, many struggles, but also a lot of joy. He has taken this heart I have, broken it to pieces, and helped me pick them all up and start fresh. HE IS SO GOOD to us, and we don't deserve it at all. What we don't understand a lot of the time is that we can't EARN God's love and forgiveness no matter how hard we try. We are ALL like the paralytic man. He physically could not do anything to earn Jesus' love, but yet the faith of his friends healed him. The man couldn't earn money to give to the church, he couldn't do anything but lay there. We all that exact same way before Christ comes into our lives. Before someone introduced us to this man Jesus, we were paralyzed. We don't do the things we do as Christians to earn Gods love, but to show people Jesus, and to serve. I get this mixed up in so many ways. We think we have to bring people to church to show them Jesus, but just inviting them into our lives, to share our lives with them, to love them, shows more of who Jesus was then inviting them to church. Inviting someone to church is all good, but what Jesus did was hang out with the sinners. He found the most broken, furthest from God and chose them. Isn't our God SO GOOD?

So I challenge you, I challenge myself. Step out of your comfort zone. Hang out with the people that are looked down upon. Be a light in the world where you are at, and where you are going. I know Jesus wants to show up in big ways, only if we let Him. This is such a struggle in my life, and I feel like it will continue to be, but I am choosing from this day forward to surrender EVERYTHING I am over to Him, and let His Spirit guide my every step.