Before I became a Christian, I viewed the world in a completely different way. I viewed it as, rich experiences, but just full of let downs. I viewed everyone else as better than myself, and that I would never amount to anything, no matter how hard I tried. I believed I was doomed, that there was no real hope for me. Living and thinking this way led me to depression. If you have read my other blogs, you know that this ultimately led to an addiction of cutting, and hiding. Ultimately I let the world tell me who I was, and who the world was telling me I was was, worthless, not pretty enough, not skinny enough, never going to really amount to anything and that I might as well have given up trying.
Not until recently have I seen completely who I am in Christ. He is still working in me, I am not perfect. The most amazing thing about that is, He accepts me in my weaknesses, in my imperfectness. He loves me beyond what I can even fathom. This to me has been such a hard thing to understand. To understand that the God of the universe would choose to give up everything to become HUMAN, and live here on earth, just so He could know me. It blows my mind. It's something I've wrestled with, something I just can't get my mind to understand, and I think that is okay. He doesn't want us to understand everything, and that is where faith comes in.
If you have been following my life at all, you know that I plan on attending YWAM this fall in Montana (actually 25 days away from leaving). I have never felt a calling to missions, and definitely refused to get into YWAM because basically everyone I know has done it, or wants to. Until about February, I had my mind set that I was going to do an internship at Elevation Church in North Carolina. One day I was sitting there with Jesus, and I hear this voice say, go online and apply for YWAM, right now. I started "looking" into it, and didn't apply right away, but kept getting this tug at my heart for YWAM, so I gave up the control I wanted to have, and applied. I ended up getting accepted, and am now on my way. I still did not think I would actually end up doing it, and even told God that. Man, does God always have His own plan. Not only has he provided for my basic needs, but He has definitely been providing financially for my trip. I am just about $3,000 away from making it there, and that is where my faith has been tested the most.
I have been tested in my faith in God to provide financially so much in the last few weeks. Looking at the number of around $3,000 has just shaken me to my core. I've asked the question many times, "How am I supposed to get THAT much money in just under a month? There is no way. I can't do it. " And a little voice in my head (God), keeps whispering, "You're right, YOU can't do it, but I can... Just trust me." And then I turn around and someone donates more money than I ever expected. Faith in small things has never really been that hard, but actually having faith that God will do the BIG things has been a challenge. Just typing that, it sounds so pathetic and dumb now. How could I ever question that God who made the WHOLE universe, couldn't provide for the calling HE placed on my life?
I know that He will get me to where I am going. I will continue to give my best, and listen to what He wants me to do. If anything, this season has brought a challenge to me really trusting in God. I can't do it, BUT He can, and will if I just let Him be God, and do what He does all the time. HE IS SO GOOD TO US you guys. I can't stress that enough. Just let yourself be in His presence a while, and He will show you His love, and things you could never dream of. :)
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