Head first: no turning back.

Okay, so I haven't updated in a while, but that was not my intention. I actually stayed up the other night, wrote a blog, post it, only to find out it did not post and did not save. Only thing I can think of is that God didn't want that blog.. So here I am again. 

It's the start of day 4. I'm skipping breakfast cause I am not feeling well. My time here has been so amazing. I love getting to know new people, making new friends and of course, spending time with Jesus. Even though I have not even been here a week, God has moved in my heart and I have realized that I can not hold back any longer. 

Some of you may know that I have struggled with my relationship with my dad for a while now. Maybe it was my way of growing up, but something happened and what used to be "daddy's little girl", no longer wanted to be that title. I don't know what happened or why, I just know it happened. My heart started getting hard and I still don't understand why. On day 2, we came together and had a time of worship, teaching, and more worship. I felt so strongly convicted earlier that day, during one of our teachings, about my relationship with my dad. I shared with a couple ladies about it, and essentially moved on. I wasn't going to step out and try to fix it right then and there, I couldn't find the strength. So that night when we came together, my heart just broke. One of our staff, Cassie, talked about her family. And right when she said the first word, I felt an aching in my heart. 

I can't describe what the ache was, but it felt a little like emptiness, and a little girl inside me longing to reconnect with her dad. We continued to worship and just lay down whatever was on our hearts to God. Tears were many as we all tried to communicate how we felt. After a while, worship ends, and we start having a "cereal party" where we all just hung out, eating cereal. Us ywamers are pretty awesome. But again, during that time I still felt the emptiness inside of me. A little girl screaming to get out. A couple of my friends here told me that they were going to the prayer room to continue to worship, and if went with. I knew I had to call my dad, but part of me was scared to. Scared of what? I don't know. 

So we start walking toward the prayer room and I said outloud, "well I have a phone call to make, but it can wait til morning." Man, did God have other plans. We start to worship, and I feel this peace about calling my dad. A peace that I couldn't understand. I end up leaving the room and going outside and making the phone call. Tears flowing from both ends of the phone, I can say that it was the best decision to make. 

God has been wrecking me in other ways as well. Before coming here, I knew the love that God has for me, or at least I thought that I did. I knew I was loved by a King. But for some reason, God has stripped this knowledge from me, and has told me, I am making you new, and to do so, I had to take away what knowledge you thought you had and renew it. Okay God, have your way. I don't know what else I could have said than those words. He's never failed me in the past, why would he now? So I'm taking it with arms wide open to see what He will do. Break my heart, and renew it, fix it. 

So that's what's been going on these past couple days. I've realized that no matter how many times I had talked to people who have done YWAM, and asked them what it was going to be like, you will really never know until you get here, and experience it yourself. Everyone's story is different, and I'm learning that every day in new ways. 

We are pretty busy here, but I will update mainly on Saturdays because those are the days we have free. 

Here is Mackenzie and Maddie. Maddies from Texas. She's so funny and awesome! I love that girl. 

And here is Alex, Taryn, Mackenzie and I, the first day we were here.